If you’re like me, you don’t use the word ‘friend’ lightly. I can count those tried and true on one hand and more on my remaining fingers and toes. But what happens to your sense of friendship when one of your friends walks away?
Recently, I saw a note that said:
“When people walk away from you, let them go… Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn’t mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over.”
I’ve been in the situation. A woman I had considered a friend decided we weren’t so anymore. She never told me why she stopped speaking to me. She just did. A junior high girl might have sent a representative to inform me of our change in status. But I didn’t get that. And I might have preferred it to an “unfriending” on Facebook. That’s right, with the click of a button, my friend officially abandoned our friendship like an unwanted infant on a doorstep. It almost hurt like a break-up.
The words of the note were like the tender yet firm words that a trusted aunt would say while explaining to you the blows of life. I imagined this aunt saying, “It’s over Boo. Don’t e-mail, don’t call, and don’t message. Let her go.” I also heard this: Stop thinking about the good times and wondering where it all went wrong. You may never know.
As much as the message was like a sad but strengthening fact of life, I wondered if simply letting a person walk away was the right way to deal with a broken relationship. A popular quote says that if something or someone leaves you, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it was really yours to begin with. But what does this say about everything shared between you and this friend? That it was shallow at best? That it wasn’t really “yours”? What does that mean?
Another popular quote says that people come into your life for a reason or a season. But it’s difficult to find solace in the ending of a seasonal friendship when you can’t figure out its purpose. I tried applying one of these life lesson quotes to my situation but none of them worked. I couldn’t conclude that my friend had changed my life in a profound enough way to explain the reason for our “season”. If she had saved me from a desperate situation or answered a burning question I’d carried for years, I would understand better why our friendship had blossomed then wilted. What is the point of a season that ends sharply and leaves no lesson?
I also began to wonder, what happened to fighting for those you love? Is there no such thing as reasonable pursuit? At least the person might know they meant something to you. Is it a sappy waste of energy to reach out to a lost friend? Should pride come into play at all?
Sometimes hearing or reading these words of wisdom affirms what we’ve already come to know as true. Other times, questioning is needed. So finally, after all my questioning, I’ve come to a few conclusions.
Letting someone walk away is not an issue of holding onto your pride. Rather, as another more contemporary saying goes, “it is, what it is.” You can’t change someone’s feelings towards you. And often, reaching out will only push them further into their funk. It’s important to realize that even though the other person walked away first, you can’t stand in the same spot forever calling out to them as they go.
I haven’t made any breakthroughs with my former friend. I still care about her but my attempts to communicate have to end for now. The ball is in her court. In the meantime, life is still happening and there are other special people to show love to- one for each finger and toe-maybe even more.
We have to nurture the relationships we have now and enjoy seasons while we’re in them. Sometimes, the transition from summer to winter can take you by surprise. It’s not wrong, it’s not profound. It’s just life.
I like your take on the situation. I even remember when you had that quote on FB. Initially when I read it I interpreted it as some other quotes I’ve often seen on FB which essentially seem to say in regards to problems “let them go and don’t let them affect you”. I’m a bit skeptial regarding that approach as it seems to skip the difficult, but necessary step of admitting the pain it caused and reflecting on it. I’m sure many pastors and therapists would agree that this could actually lead to supressing pain and having blind-spots when similar similar situations re-occur.
However, in reading your thoughts I don’t think you’ve gone about it that way – especially since you’ve obviously done some reflection in this case. I think the overall goal of moving on from a painful event remains the same; but the process of doing it is key so that one emerges emotionally healthy and has learned from the experience. I think going through the process of admiting hurt in this circumstance is the difference between one emerging with the conclusion “That experience hurt, and while there is little I can do about this situation it taught me that relationships are important to me” vs. “That experience hurt, so it was naive of me to have invested of myself in others and from now on I will remain guarded and never put myself in a position of vulnerability again”. I don’t think most put it in such obvious words, but that conclusion is often reached whether conscious or not.
It’s always difficult since a healthy emotional life stradles between healthy boundaries and vulnerability. My thoughts are that Canadian culture leans too far to the guarded side and could use more warmth and depth in relational ability. However, you can’t throw the baby out with the bath water so this quote is certainly useful when applied correctly.